I Actually Had a Conversation with Them About Farting in Church

Me (in the car, after Mass last night): Alright, which one of you was tooting all through Mass?

G: Oh, that was me...

Me: Okay. I know that sometimes you just can't help it. But if you can possibly help it, it is best to NOT toot when you're in a group of people, like at church.

G: Okay, sorry.

M: You know, Mom. If nobody ever tooted, that would be really helpful.

Me: Yes, it would be very helpful.

G: But no one would feel very good.

The conversation was capped off, I shit you not, by this:

Me: OKAY! Who just tooted in the CAR?!

M: Oops. That was me...sorry.

Not exactly the parental-type lessons I envisioned teaching my kids before I became a parent.